Human Bean Soup

These were the sing-song words of Simon this evening as he danced around the house in the likeness of a slaphappy leprechaun.

Bear in mind that Sundays are normally the day of darkness and despair in the narrative of Simon’s life. The ritual begins first thing on Saturday morning:

“Is tomorrow…gulp…

(dry heave, dramatic eye rolling, heavy sigh)

SUN-DAY?!”

“Do I HAVE to go to church? I HATE church! It’s too long, it’s boring and there’s NOTHING TO EAT!”

-followed by an hourly reminder that if we make him go to church he will NOT like it and parents who love their children do not subject them to the horrors of things like SUN-DAY!

…for 24 hours…

Needless to say I am intrigued by tonight’s exuberant declaration.

“What made this Sunday better than the rest?” ask I…

“Well, first of all, they LIKED me at church because I behaved myself!”

Ah, yes- we’re off to a good start.

“Second of all, they even called me to play one of the games during singing time because they liked me SO much!”

…getting better…

“Third of all, I got to play video games when I got home from church because I was SO good!”

…yes, of course…

“And fourth of all- now this is the BEST part-

I got to have this AMAZING wave in my hair again!”

(exaggerated wave-like hand gesture, more leprechaun dancing)

This is the stuff of dreams I tell you.

The boy likes to look gooooood.

Call it what you will. I call it progress.

And, here you thought the “lazy body” remark was the sweet comeback-

didn’t you?

Every night at dinner we ask each of the kids to share one thing they learned that day.

Last night’s conversation went like this:

“Simon, did you learn anything at school today?”

…pensive pause…

“Well, technically, no.”

Maybe we’ll  just eat quietly tonight.

“Hey Knox, how much do you love me?”

…processing…

“Uh…deez many much (holding up ten fingers)…

…SOOOOOO MUCH!”

“I’ll take it!”

Because we just celebrated our 12th anniversay-

Because he loves me more now than he did 12 years ago-

Because he glows each time he thinks of our children-

Because his wisdom and patience are indefatigable-

Because he still looks at me as though I am Venus herself-

Because he humors my silly and selfish impulses, whether I am deserving or not-

Because he has allowed me to mock him mercilessly in previous posts-

Because he looks really hot in his new glasses-

Because  in my mind the word is no longer L-O-V-E, rather R-E-X-

This is for him.

“When he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.”

-William Shakespeare

Something about these two pictures struck me as similar.

September, 1973

September, 2009

This is our dog-

Barnaby.

It’s a little hard to see what’s going on here because…well…he can’t really see what’s going on here.

He’s a bit of a mess.

A giant, hairy, goofy, slobbery, lovable, beautiful-

mess.

One downy white paw in the dirt- mess.

One feathery soft muzzle in a puddle- mess.

One swishing serpentine tail dragged through the mud- big, big mess.

Ah…but how we LOVE our mess!

So, today was a first for us as pet owners. We decided perhaps our mess should become somebody else’s problem.

Enter- groomers of PetSmart.

Yes, we PAID to have him bathed and brushed and snipped and styled.

And, the results were no less than spectacular!

I confess I was startled when I arrived to retrieve my mess after his day at the spa.

He resembled more of  a pompous, heavenly white show poodle than the Abominable Nepalese Snow Yeti I had come to know and love so well.

There were parts I didn’t recognize and textures I was unaware of.

It’s not like he had never been bathed and combed but this-

was…different.

Was there bleach or magic involved?

Should I take this winter-white creature of fairy tales home as my own or was it more ethical to inform the grooming staff of their accidental misplacement?

I think I’ll take him home.

Let’s take one more look at the real Barnaby:

Happily my co-conspirators supported my decision without hesitation.

It is also safe to say that the groomers of PetSmart are also now in love with our big, beautiful-

mess!

Simon came bursting through the door this afternoon after an apparently very satisfying day of school sporting a goofy, nearly toothless clown-chapped grin on his face.

My first thought was- now THAT is a gooood lookin’ boy! (stifled giggles)

He was visibly quite pleased with himself and clearly had something he had been dying to tell someone.

***

Flash back to Wednesday of last week: The same boy came home in a similar self congratulatory mood and informed us that two kids in his class had “given” him some classroom bucks which now made him eligible to purchase the trinket of his choice from the class store. Two kids? Who are these two kids Simon?

(clown grin, nervous posture)

“Well…..two…GIRLS! They just said they like me and gave them to me!”

…hmmm….regretfully, we had to kill his bucks buzz upon explaining to him that he needed to offer to give the bucks back rather than spending them.

***

So, today I was sure it would be an announcement of similar hijinks and braced myself for the possible fallout.

“I didn’t REALLY plan on telling you this Mom…” he begins.

(Yeah…right. Is that why you came in grinning?)

“But, Today….I GOT A GIRLFRIEND!”

(stunned silence, more toothless clown grinning, more stunned silence, stuttering, head shaking, sweaty palms…)

What exactly do I say here?

I finally settle on “Um…way to go son…who…I mean…why…um…how old are you?”

(clearly I had not prepared myself for such an encounter at this stage of my life. What now?)

He continues to pace anxiously…

“And, do you want to hear the best part Mom?”

“Sweet Francis!!! There’s more?!”

“…I mean…sure…”

“Yep! The BEST part is we have some of the same letters in our names! Can you believe that? It’s so funny, isn’t it? Do you want to know which letters are the same?”

***inaudible mumbling***

“…um…yes?”

“S-I and N are the letters. So, here’s what I did…”

(keeping it together…keeeeeping it…what, what could he possibly be getting at here?)

“I made her a card and this is what it said…”

(This is the part where I warn my readers to make sure you are sitting down comfortably and have not recently suffered from any heart or pulmonary conditions which could be exacerbated by a sudden shock to one’s system. Also, women who are or may become pregnant should proceed with caution.)

*The following is not the authentic original rather the closest replication I could master with the available resources.

How do I express the amusement peppered with horror which rushed through my mind upon the description of his first ever gesture of love?

I cannot.

I can only say with certainty that my 7 year old son has LITERALLY written a love note to – SIN.

Now, we wait for the harassment charges to start pouring in.

Oy vey!

In honor of our-

100th blog post!!!

(jazz hands)

I have chosen to address the very serious,

VERY thought provoking issue of…

What happens when Rex is left alone with a steak.

I know what you’re thinking- How bad could it really be?

Why don’t you answer that question for yourself.

Would you like to see it again?

Now, lest you should worry yourself about Rex’s dignity and pride,

fear not!

He has willingly and bravely accepted the honor of bearing this torch, this title of:

100th Blog Post Hero!!!

(double jazz hands)

Rex, we are forever in your debt for your chivalry and will always remember what you have done for us on this momentous day.

(hee hee!)

Oh how I RELISH this season!

“No Spring nor Summer Beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one Autumnal face.”
- John Donne